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【TOP 50】Jack Handy Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. - Jack Handy Quotes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. - Jack Handy Quotes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? - Jack Handy Quotes

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy Quotes

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) - Jack Handy Quotes

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. - Jack Handy Quotes

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. - Jack Handy Quotes

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handy Quotes

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? - Jack Handy Quotes

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. - Jack Handy Quotes

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse - Jack Handy Quotes

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien! - Jack Handy Quotes

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Jack Handy Quotes

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away - Jack Handy Quotes

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) - Jack Handy Quotes

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? - Jack Handy Quotes

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have - Jack Handy Quotes

Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. - Jack Handy Quotes

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. - Jack Handy Quotes

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that. - Jack Handy Quotes

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. - Jack Handy Quotes

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. - Jack Handy Quotes

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. - Jack Handy Quotes

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much - Jack Handy Quotes

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handy Quotes

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say,

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handy Quotes

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. - Jack Handy Quotes

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. - Jack Handy Quotes

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Death

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go,

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks. - Jack Handy Quotes

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Money

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog. - Jack Handy Quotes

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. - Jack Handy Quotes

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. - Jack Handy Quotes

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again. - Jack Handy Quotes

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. - Jack Handy Quotes

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

Funny

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory. - Jack Handy Quotes

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl. - Jack Handy Quotes

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak - Jack Handy Quotes

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak

Peace

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men,

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

Fun

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled,

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

When we were growing up, old man jenkins would never fail to come out every morning to nail tadpoles to a wheel, spin it around and around, like a wheel of fortune, and then say,

When we were growing up, old man jenkins would never fail to come out every morning to nail tadpoles to a wheel, spin it around and around, like a wheel of fortune, and then say, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner!" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other - Jack Handy Quotes

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think. - Jack Handy Quotes

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves - Jack Handy Quotes

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals - Jack Handy Quotes

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals

Opera

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. - Jack Handy Quotes

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

Fear

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